"I don't remember what it feels like to be happy."

I was on the phone with my mom and in pain.  I'd been in pain for so many years, I truly didn't remember what it felt like to be happy.

My life was a mess.

Coming into adulthood...

I emerged in the world as an adult with fear and anger and rebellion in my heart.

I had distorted views about God, myself, and life in general.  And instead of trying to get help, or seeking after truth, I chose a path of misery. 

A long series of mistakes, mixed in with bad and abusive relationships...

• Searching for love in all the wrong places and committing sin with men who “proved” my lack of worth

• "Protecting" myself with a façade that wasn't me - tough, mean, and a bunch of other ugly stuff

• Numbing my pain with booze (for months at a time I was blackout drinking 7 days a week)

• Smoking to manage my emotions and achieve the tough persona I was going for

• Isolating myself from any kind of healthy relationships or contact

• Avoiding God because of my shame and my view of Him as an harsh God who would never forgive me

A long journey…

I was on the path of destruction for 25 long years.  With a brief layover in "being good" for about a year, trying to find my way back, but letting Satan win at that time.

Instead of my wounds being part of the beauty in what God put back together, I let them define who I was as a person. A broken, useless mess that just didn’t matter.  Because of that, I felt:

• lost in darkness and confusion

• undeserving of God's love 

• lots of guilt (not God's kind that convicts, but Satan's kind that condemns)

• buried in the shame of who I was choosing to be

• angry at myself for my mistakes and the way I was living

• angry at others for not accepting me as I was

• angry at the people who had hurt me (and I put a LOT of blame on them too)

• like I didn't belong anywhere, and I didn't matter enough TO belong

A slow start back...

I was existing for years, not really living.  And then slowly ever so slowly things started to happen.  A few important highlights:

• On November 6, 2016, at the age of 44, I married a man who loves me just the way I am.  And who has been so supportive of me and everything I want to be and do.

• On October 2, 2017, a year to the day after my dad died, I laid down my booze and cigarettes for good.

• Also in 2017, I felt the call on my heart to help women come to know who they really are so they can live and love courageously, fulfill their own God-given purposes, and return home with honor.  

(I felt the call.  But I sat on it for three more years, because I was sure that it was too late for me.)

New beginnings...

It started in December 2019.

I began experiencing a kind of pain that only comes from KNOWING you're supposed to be doing something, but you're living too scared and too small to do it.  Still it won't go away because God is telling you it's time.

It took two months of constant gnawing at me from the minute I woke, until I went to bed, before I couldn't take it anymore.  I knew I had to stand up and do what God wanted me to do.  I didn't know how that looked, or how it was supposed to work, but I knew it was time.

I started praying for the first time in years.

Because of prayer, I was given a personal revelation that opened my eyes in a moment to see my Heavenly Father as loving, kind and merciful.  Years of fear and doubt were stripped away in that moment.  And it changed EVERYTHING.

Then, I started praying in earnestness and with real openness for the first time in my life.  And it changed ME.

The worst of times and the best of times …

The year of 2020 was the hardest year of my life.

With the restrictions of Covid (and quarantining for the whole year because of my severe lung problems), I was isolated again from the people I love.  Only this time, it wasn't by choice.  

During that time, I saw my husband and my tortoise daily.  And once a month, I saw the mailman bringing us our latest eviction notice. A handful of times, someone brought me something (like on my birthday).  And seven times (yes I counted), I left the house because I absolutely had to, like a doctor's appointment.  

That was my contact with people for over a year.

Financially, it was the worst place we'd ever been in as a couple, and it topped all my years alone too.  We were living paycheck to paycheck before the loss of my job which then cut our income literally in half.  We didn't qualify for any assistance (as my job loss wasn't directly due to Covid-19) and we STRUGGLED.  

But by God's grace and provision, somehow we made it through the year.

Now to the part where everyone looks at me like I'm crazy.

2020 was absolutely, hands down, the best year of my life.

Whoa, Jody!  What???  

It really was.

A mighty change of heart…

Because that's when I let God into my life and my heart.  And when you really let Him in, it changes you.  My heart changed.  The way I see things changed.  I'm more aware of my blessings.  I'm more aware of the people around me and seeing where they're coming from.  

I WANT to choose the right.  I WANT to follow the Lord.  

Certain things just fell off naturally.  For example, there are shows I used to watch that I just can't anymore.  Like I used to watch horror movies, but now they make me cry, because it offends my spirit.

Other things I do struggle with.  Like keeping the Sabbath day holy.  For over 30 years that was my day.  (Ask my family.)  I pray about it, and I keep working at it, and it will come.

And guess what else???

I know what it feels like to feel His presence and His love for me, in a way I never experienced before.  

I've seen His hand in my life, guiding and directing me day by day.  Leading me to the words He had for me in His scripture, and from people who were inspired by Him.  EXACTLY what I needed when I needed it.

Me! Jody!  I never in a million years would have thought I would be where I am right now. 

Jody, a broken, angry, unforgiving, shame-ridden sinner.  And I'M LOVED by God, completely, in the most amazing and humbling way.  I searched my whole life, in all the wrong places, for what was right there all along, the love of God.

My Heavenly Father never gave up on me.  He's always been there waiting patiently for me.  As He is for ALL His children that He loves so much, including YOU.

And Jesus paid the price for me.  He loves me so much He died for me.  He washed away ALL my years of sin, and He's healing all my wounds, as quickly as I'll let go of them and give them to Him.  And He'll do the same for YOU.

Today …

It’s now May 2025. I wrote my story a few years ago, and then I hid it away. I’m no longer ashamed of my past, but it certainly isn’t comfortable. Especially being an introvert. Just saying “hello” stretches me sometimes. But I want you to know, that whatever your story, however, messy or ugly, God can make something good out of it. He’s always there, and He’s ready when you are. He WILL meet you wherever you are and take you to a place and a purpose He’s prepared in advance for you, where you can shine for His glory in a way that brings you joy.

These past few years were more struggle and stretching for me and my husband. But it’s been the greatest adventure. God has always been with us. He’s faithfully provided, spiritually and temporally. He’s my one true source of peace and comfort, unfailingly.